Love Yourself Because Your Relationship Needs You

For a marriage or relationship to thrive, it needs time and care. It also needs you to love yourself. This is a gradual path, so don't worry if you haven't figured it out. Nobody has completely.

The most important aspect of self love, is kindness. You (and your partner) don't change from condemnation and rejection, you change from clear seeing, healthy remorse, love and patience. Without kindness toward yourself, you suffer from low self esteem and depression. You sabotage your relationships. You cannot take feedback and only respond with defensiveness. You cannot handle it when your partner does things you don't like because you take everything personally. Or maybe you become clingy and codependent because you feel abandoned, insecure and afraid of independence. Perhaps you are overcome with jealousy. Perhaps you are both blaming each other and not taking personal responsibility.

To love yourself is to be there for yourself when your partner isn't. Your partner is human- he or she will not be able to be there for you all the time, whether from life demanding his or her presence or her own defenses and ego struggles that keep her from listening to you. These moments are inevitable. But you cannot abandon yourself in your own hour of need. This creates emotional pain that is almost too much to bare.

To love yourself also means holding onto yourself in the face of difficulty with your partner. What usually keeps you from loving yourself is linked to the past. Maybe you never learned how. Maybe you were treated poorly as a child...or worse. Everyone struggles with some degree of shame and low self esteem. Loving yourself involves a stretch toward new behavior and changing old patterns. What usually motivates this stretch is the pain of low self esteem and its downward spiral. In healthy relationships we need some self reliance.

let's do an experiment right now: Think of something you don't like about yourself. notice how, even on a subtle level, there are feelings and sensations of rejection and low self esteem. There is probably a closing and shutting down that cause pain.

Now, I'd like you to take a deep breath and loosen your heart and body a bit. Soften to this thing you don't like and bring in some kindness. Right now, just as an experiment. You can think of breathing in a soothing color that surrounds your dislike. Or you can think of someone else who has the same flaw and you know deserves kindness.

Your thoughts might resist this. They might say something like, "If I love myself and am kind to myself about this thing, then I'm off the hook and won't change it." Not quite. You can feel a strong intention to change AND create an environment of kindness. Sometimes you really do need to make a change. But sometimes you don't and the solution is simply loving yourself. Click here for tips on a positive self attitude.

For many people, spirituality is an important aspect of loving yourself . Walking the path of self-discovery often takes us into existential places, like the unknown, that bring up larger questions about ourselves, purpose and our lives. Be open to exploring and listening to these wonderings in yourself. If you already have a spiritual connection, in moments of self-rejection, remember to pray and have faith in your worth, in the universal goodness of buddhanature or God or the Great Mother that is a reflection of you.

Walking the path of loving yourself takes you to new places and discoveries within. This can be an excellent time to seek counseling for support and guidance as you deepen your relationship with yourself. You may also greatly benefit from meditation, a practice of being present and quiet with yourself so you can begin to slow your thoughts and experience what remains when you aren't always busy and running around. You might just discover something quite lovable.

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