Infidelity and Extramarital Affairs:
What's Going On?
What constitutes infidelity? Usually an affair involves extra-marital sex but the way a particular marriage or relationship defines an act of adultery is variable. Take the following examples: Sally was devastated by Peter's kissing another woman. To Peter, it was a "mistake" that happened with one too many drinks. It wasn't that big a deal. But for Sally, who's mother and father's relationship was ridden with infidelity, (that she swore she would never condone) it was beyond what she could handle. However... When Mary had an affair, although her husband Jonas was very hurt, he felt that it alerted him to the problems in the relationship that he previously refused to acknowledge. He realized that his wife's cheating on him woke him up to tend the relationship in ways she had asked but he had ignored. For Jonas, it was painful but he could forgive.
Can This Relationship Survive? If you have recently discovered or suspect that your partner is having an affair, you are probably swirling with confusion, devastation, anger, hurt and jealousy. If you are unsure of but suspect an affair,
see signs of infidelity
to further assess what is going on. If you are the one who is having or has had an affair, click here
for more information and support. If you are the one who was betrayed in your relationship, click here
to learn what you can do. Many relationships do survive adultery. Whether yours will is a matter of individual choice for you and your partner. Some people have such strong moral standing about extramarital affairs that it is not in their integrity to forgive. Others are able to repair the relationship.
and move forward, learning and healing from the adultery experience. To assess whether to end your relationship or work things out, ask yourself the following questions: *How was the relationship before the affair occurred? Was it solid or riddled with unsolved problems? *Could I forgive (down the road)? What would I need to do so? Would my partner be willing to give this? *Are we married? With young children? How much is at stake? This plays into how much effort and energy you're willing to put in. *Were we friends before? Are we compatible? Take some time to reflect on these questions as you sort through all the feelings and confusion you are having. Find a place to stay away for your spouse and, I repeat: take some time to reflect. Below are some common types of infidelity that can help you identify the motivation of the affair. For example, if it is a Commitment Avoidance Affair, there is less likelihood that this was a one-time deal than a Conflict Avoidance Affair. *Is my partner remorseful and wanting to stay together? Is s/he willing to make changes and commitments? Am I?
Types of Infidelity Why do people have affairs? Not all affairs are alike or motivated by the same intentions. Some common types of infidelity are: 1. The Condoned Affair- when both partners are in agreement about or make due with the cheating without much issue. This may involve cultural differences or an "open relationship". 2. The Conflict Avoidance Affair-an affair motivated by trying to escape the problems in the primary relationship 3. The Intimacy Avoidance Affair-emotional intimacy is being avoided in the primary relationship and closeness seem to occur only through "negative attention." 4. The Sexual Addiction Affair-this infidelity is all about sex and one partner having unrealistic needs and demands, being driven from an inner emptiness. 5. The Fear of Commitment Affair-chronic or long-term adultery occurs when one member feels stifled and trapped by monogamy. 6. The Exit Affair-when a relationship is on the way out anyway and affair occurs to finalize the end. Click for more details on these
types of affairs.
One of the most painful aspects of an affair is the emotional intimacy or "falling in love" with someone outside the committed circle of the primary relationship. An extramarital affair involves a betrayal of trust.
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