Anger Management for Couples

Anger management, our own and our partner’s, is one of the biggest challenges in relationships. Anger causes ruin to many relationships.  If left unaddressed, through constant conflict, emotional alienation or violence it leads to the loss of love.  For the sake of our relationships and our peace of mind, it’s vital that we work on how we relate to anger.

Indulging anger

Anger has a quality of energy that lashes outward and blames.  This makes it particularly difficult to tame and rein in.  In the moment of anger, our minds are racing with all kinds of negative and righteous thoughts.  We feel wronged; we want revenge, to stand up for our rights.  We curse and blame and focus outward. 

So we act; we open our mouths and become aggressive, barraging whoever happens to be in our way.  After we do this, we feel (seemingly) better, but the recipient of our anger feels worse.  When we dump anger in this way, we are not fully experiencing and taking responsibility for our anger; we are simply giving it to someone else. Nothing is solved and damage is done. When we indulge our anger and don't manage it, we become abusive to our loved ones and erode trust in our relationships. This is no small matter.

Practice anger management through self-discipline.

Suppressing Anger

Another unproductive way we relate to anger is to pretend it doesn’t exist.  We take a laisse-faire or spiritual attitude that “It’s no big deal” and “I can let it go”.  Are we saying this because we are motivated by a fear of confrontation?  Do we not want to rock the boat?  Do we tell ourselves we are letting it go, only to find a growing feeling of sarcasm and resentment?  To truly let go of our anger is wonderful, but it is unlikely that we can actually do this as often as we would like to think.  Instead, passive and subversive behaviors come to the surface, permeating our lives and relationships with resentment. 

Passive anger can manifest as cutting humor and sarcasm.  Maybe we are late to meet the one who upsets us, or we unconsciously sabotage our agreements.  We may withdraw sexually or focus constantly on our partner’s shortcomings.  Or we might think others are always angry with us when we are actually projecting our own unconscious anger onto them.  If our tendency is to squash and minimize our anger, we sacrifice our integrity, often feeling weak, cowardice or “bowled over”.  When we suppress anger, we can cause ourselves illness and depression. 

Practice anger management through getting more in touch with your anger and expressing it directly.

Tips for Anger Management in Relationships:

The following are some ideas to help with anger management.  These pointers assume the absence of   physical and emotional abuse. If your partner becomes abusive and violent, leave the area immediately (with children) and call the police.

Go through the following list with the intention to make some changes.  Contemplate how it would look to make these changes and how it could change your life for the better.  As you work on anger management, be patient with yourself and acknowledge your positive steps, however small.  Working with anger is not easy, but so important.  Check out fighting fair tips and ground rules.

“Anyone can become angry- that is easy.  To be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way- this is not easy.”-Aristotle

1. Anger is fueled by thought. When you notice the stirrings of anger in your thoughts, do not whip the thoughts up. Calm your mind through focusing on your breath and body.

2. Anger is painful. Cultivate courage to face the pain of anger and let it wash over you. When you notice the physical sensations of anger, move your awareness fully into your body and let it simply “be”.  Without indulging it (via angry thoughts) or repressing it (minimizing thoughts), simply feel the physical sensations.  Sit or lie down, close your eyes, ask yourself, “Where is the anger in my body?  Is it hot or cold?  Is it large or small?  What is it like?  Does it change?  Breathe and watch.  Like a curious scientist, study and get to know the sensations of anger.  As your mind wanders, keep coming back to the sensations. If you stay with the pure sensation of pain, with an attitude of curiosity, you will find that much the discomfort loosens and passes through.

3. Ask yourself, “Is this feeling familiar?”  Often our anger has threads to the past.  If you are angry with your partner for being late, it may remind you of feeling abandoned or ignored as a child.  If the feeling is familiar, focus on the old hurt instead of the new. Anger management requires you to be self-reflective.

4. Ask yourself “What is the hurt about?”  Underlying anger is usually hurt.  Try to focus on the hurt instead of the anger, because hurt is usually softer, less aggressive and more responsible.

5. When you are angry, think of all the people in the world who have also suffered from the same situation (or worse!).  Know you are not alone.  See how self-consumed you are by your anger. Heal your anger and self-absorption by extending compassion to others.

6. Practice anger management through a nonviolent physical outlet.  Go for a vigorous run or bike ride; chop some wood. 

7. When engaging with your partner, keep your anger clean.  The best thing you can say is, “I’m so angry right now!” and leave it at that.  If you try to detail why you are angry, you are more likely to say things you later regret.

8. When your partner is angry, do not make the emotion “bad”.  Form an imaginary wall or bubble of protection around yourself and affirm that you are safe.  Keep up your self-esteem and set any necessary limits.   Be strong and kind.  It can help to think of your angry partner as a non-threatening child.  What a wonderful gift it would be to be there, without defense, for another’s anger.

9. Wait. After the emotion of anger passes is the time to reflect, analyze and think about your experience; it is the appropriate time to negotiate and discuss necessary changes.  The adrenaline of anger puts you in an irrational and reactive state of mind that makes it nearly impossible to resolve conflict in the moment.

10. Take responsibility.  Know that even though someone did something you didn’t like, you make the choice (whether consciously or not) to be upset about it.  Own your high expectations that often lead to anger.  Often when angry there is a feeling of powerlessness and victimization.  See your choices in this situation.

11. Anger is ego's perception of threat. Ask yourself the existential and spiritual question: “In this moment is there really anything threatening my safety and peace?” and “Who is this ego self that feels threatened?”

For additional resources on anger management therapy, click here.

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